KatScan

I went in yesterday for my pre-surgery physical, and she didn't clear me.
She said that my blood pressure was too high, she couldn't give me clearance because she thinks I'll have a heart attack on the table.
Even though every single heart test I've had in the last 4 months, has come out clear.
So she called my surgeon and canceled my surgery.

She then started talking about the high white cell count, all docs freak out over this, they tell me I have the white cell count of someone who is dying of leukemia.
This happened last year, October 2007 to be exact, and I went through a hematology consult and an Imdium scan.
The results of both tests concurred.
Negative white cell study.
That means I'm not sick.

Then she tells me that when I went to the ER 3-4 months ago for that wicked shoulder pain I was dealing with, and the ER doc thought, because my blood pressure was so high, that I was either having a heart attack or had an arterial blood clot, but the tests all came back clean.
No heart problems at all.
But.
During the CT angiogram, the radiologist noted a spot on my liver.
That was on June 6, 2008.
That night, the ER doc never had me sign out of the ER, he gave me no paperwork telling me to have an ultrasound of my liver, but yesterday, my primary doc is telling me about that report, about the spot, she thinks that may be the reason for the high white cells, she doesn't know.

But what we do know is that I went to a cardiac specialist this morning who finds nothing wrong, but to be safe, I have to go back in tomorrow and have a cardiac nuclear stress test.
He said if that comes out fine, that he'll clear me for the surgery, but it's too late now for the Monday date, the OR was canceled, I missed the pre-surgery appointment at the hospital today to go see this cardiac specialist, my surgeon canceled it, it's done, too late.
It will have to be totall rescheduled, I'll have to go through all the pre-surgery tests all over again because they all have to be done within 1 week of the surgery.
 Then this Tuesday coming, I have to go in for an echo cardiogram, ya know, seeing as my surgery is canceled.

To say I'm mad is an understatement, I'm fucking pissed, I'm stressed, an I can't eat anything at all for 24 hours before this stress test tomorrow morning at 11am, so when I got home this morning from his office at like 10ish, I ate a bowl of cereal because I was nauseous.
I'm not allowed to eat anything else at all, and I cannot drink much either, I can have enough water to wash down my pain pills, but that's it.
I'll be completely weak, nauseous, and dehydrated tomorrow morning, which will be causing me stress and anxiety, which will make my blood pressure high and probably cause me to fail the fucking test.

Everything is just a big huge fucking mess.
They fucked with my life for a high blood pressure that is caused by the neck issue, they canceled my surgery that will save my fucking life.
That ER doc in June didn't tell me about the spot on my liver, but now I have to go get that taken care of too, get an ultrasound on it, and I'll probably have to go through another nuclear hematology consult as well to rule out the leukemia they fucking think I'm dying of.
Don't you fucking think that with all the fucking MRIs, CT scans, xrays, blood tests, urine tests, ultrasounds, and every fucking other test I've been through, that if I had fucking leukemia, it would have been found by now?
Don't you think I'd know!?!
Wouldn't I be sick, have some sort of pain, something?!
Do I match some of those symptoms like bone and joint pain?
Yes, but uh, I have 26 fucking inches of titanium running the length of my spine!!!!!!!
I have no other symptoms of it other than the bone and joint pain, and the high white cell count, that's it, and I've had that high white cell count for 2.5 years now, since my spine fusion.
Wouldn't someone know?
Wouldn't someone have figured that out by now with everything I've been through medically?

I'm not ok!
I'm angry, sad, stressed, pissed, hurt, and it's causing my kids to be scared to death.
Surgery, no surgery, heart disease, leukemia, what the fuck else are these assholes going to put me and my kids through?!
This is all too fucking much, it's just too much, I can't cope with everything that's happening right now, and I want to apologize to my employers who are waiting on me to get work done.
I will get it done, but I need to get a grip, I need to rest, I need to try and get this sorted out, get people to listen to me, read the test results, figure out that all of the shit is because of my spine being all fucked up.

And ya know what sucks?
All of the doctors want a medical history I can't give them, I'm adopted, I have nothing to show them, nothing to tell them, they stare at me, tell me this all looks genetic, that my birth parents gave me all of this, but they need to know and I can't give them any answers.
I hear from them about all of these things that are inside my body, these fluid filled sacks that are attached to my spine, that they don't know what they are, but there are a lot of them, my vertebrae closing like this, it's genetic, this is all genetic, it's all part of a medical history I know nothing about, and the more tests they do, the more they find, and the more they say big bad scary words about death and dying, and for fucks sake people, pick the one that is gonna kill me first and fix it, then we'll work on the next one and so on.

This is all just too much and I feel like I'm going crazy, like I just want to quit, just stop, I can't do this anymore.
My mom and dad called me last night, my sister had called them, told them what was going on, they told me to just keep going, to keep trying, to type out whatever I have to to get through all of this, that it's ok.
But it's not ok, it really isn't.
I'm being told I'm slowly dying, that I have diseases and shit which are killing me, and I'm supposed to be ok?
How the hell am I supposed to be ok after all of the hell I've already been through, and be told that there's even more?
How would anyone be ok with all of this?!
And please, please, please, do not tell me that god only gives us what we can handle, that he gives us tests to help us be better people, that this is all being done because he has a purpose for me.
That's absolute bullshit, I've been through more than enough fucking medical shit in my lifetime.
I was born a medical fuck up, that's why my birth parents left me in the hospital where I spent the first 6 weeks of my life, they were told I was going to die or be retarded, so they left, they just left me there.
I've suffered with some sort of medical fucking bullshit my whole life now, enough.
Enough!

My primary care doc has me taking Maxzide for my high blood pressure.

Susan got a baby doll for her birthday that pees, has diapers, all kinds of stuff, from my sister, her mom, and one of my sister's friends got her a baby stroller that is real, it looks like one of the more expensive baby strollers you'd buy for a real baby.
Well it is for a real baby, but you know what I mean.
Susan loves that baby an the stroller. Every day, she wants to take the baby for a walk, and my sister obliges her and takes them, both Susan and Skye, and their babies, for a walk around the neighborhood.








They have so much fun walking their babies, Skye has a baby and a play stroller, not a real one like Susan's, which has caused a few minor squabbles, but they get over it and play nice most of the time.
And Susan also loves to put band-aids over all of the babies with her "doctor kit" I got her for her birthday.
But when I saw her stroller, I was jealous, it was nicer than the ones I had for my kids.

I've been way stressed out for the last month, this whole thing is life changing.
Losing 90% or more mobility in my neck, never turning left or right again to look at things, is HUGE, a really big, life-altering change.
I'll be completely fused the entire length of my spine after this, it's big, so my mind has been pre-occupied with it.

At bedtime tonight, Mark asked me if there were no other options besides surgery, that he's worried about how all of this is going to affect me, mentally.
I explained to him that for the first few weeks, and even now, I'm still having some WTF  holy shit moments, but this is THE only option.
That I had to weigh the pros and cons.
On one hand, I would be able to turn my head, but in a few months, I'd be dead.
On the other hand, I won't be able to move very much or very well, but I'll be alive.
Pretty easy choice I'd say.
And I told him that I'm not done here yet.
I still have so much to do.
I asked him to try not to fight as much with Sebastian for the rest of the week, let's try to have some fun, be happy.
He asked me what we are doing on Sunday, the day and night before.
I said I was planning on having a talk with them.
He asked about what, and I said to say all the important things that need to be said in case something goes wrong.
I love you, grow up to be good men, treat women with respect, love, honor, cherish them, love your children, play with them, educate them, be there.
Do something you love to do every day of your lives, never regret a single moment, regret means you didn't really live at all.
Have a career you love, not a job you do just to get paid, be proud of what you do.
Know how very much I loved you, and always did my best with you, to raise you up right, to make you happy, that you were the center of my life, my reason for continuing to keep going.

He smiled at me, said he knew all of those things already, that I've been talking to them about all of those things for years now.
I told him yeah, but they are the important things I'd want you to remember, my last words if this ends up being our last conversation, which it won't, because I'm coming home!
He smiled and hugged me, told me to definitely say all of that stuff on Sunday, not saying it may just make the bad thing happen.
They are terrified that this is going to go wrong, I don't really blame them, it is pretty scary to think about, but I trust my doc and his staff, it's going to be ok.

So anyway, what did I do to cheer me up?
I bought a cadoobage kid for myself.
My mom and dad bought us some when we were kids, but someone stole mine years and years ago, and this one called to me after browsing page after page of them.
All of them uniquely different in some way, eye color, hair color(s), style, face, smile, with and without teeth, but this little face said "Kat, I'm the one you want to 'adopt', pick me!"
So I did.



She has green eyes, and two front teeth, and a wicked cute smile. And now that I've "adopted" her, they removed her from the website completely.
The detail page she was on, is now empty, taken down just an hour or so after I bought her.
She really was one of a kind, and now she's mine.
Click the pic to see her cute little face.



Yes I know, I'm 38 and I bought a doll, but it really did cheer me up when I saw that face.
I had been browsing the site because it's been 25 years since they began making and selling them, and I was feeling all wishy-washy nostalgic.
My mom and dad bought us ours from the very first time they started selling the plastic headed ones, the first batch, and mom even got in a bit of a fight with some other lady who tried to take the ones mom had in her arms.
Hee hee, go mom!

My pre-surgical consult went well, as well as these things can go anyway.
The surgery is about 6 hours long, 4 day stay is accurate unless there are complications, and I will lose about 90% of the mobility in my neck and shoulders.
No left/right turning of my head, my shoulders will also be fixed.
He's doing a full laminectomny, no new disc installation, but he will be installing new titanium rods from C2 to meet up with the top of my current fusion at T3.
He says the new rods will just hook on to the top of those rods kind of like tinker toys.
That they just attach a piece, and slide the new rod in, and twist to lock it in place.
After this, I will be permanently fused from C2-S1.
That's a huge fusion,

They will be shaving my hair off from the base of my skull down.
I have a lot of hair, so he has to do it, and it will grow back.
I keep telling myself it will grow back, it's just hair.
But I love my hair. *sad face*

He thinks I have something called Riley Day Syndrome.
I don't fit all of the criteria for it, but a good number of the symptoms.
I've never had a seizure to my knowledge, and I do feel pain, believe me, I feel pain, but I do have the low muscle tone, the bowel issues, the smooth tongue, high blood pressure, excessive sweating which gets worse when I eat, and when I do vomit, it lasts for awhile, and will go on for hours.
# Irritability # Insomnia # Worsening of muscle tone
Those are things which have gotten progressively worse over the years, I have very bad muscle tone in my lower legs and feet, I have an unsteady gait etc etc.
I suppose that after surgery, I should probably see about having this test to find out if that's what this all is.
I'm adopted so the whole Eastern European Jewish ancestry thing is a possibility.
It would possibly explain the amount of body hair I have too.
"With advances in diagnosis and treatment, survival continues to improve. Currently, a newborn with Riley-Day has a 50% chance of reaching age 30."
Well I beat that part of this eh?

Anyway, it's going on as scheduled, just my physical tomorrow, hoping Dr. Ford clears me because the more Doc Moreno talks about this and keeps repeating the whole "sudden death" thing, the more anxious I'm getting.
If she doesn't clear me tomorrow, I may have to kill her.
Then Thursday, I have the actual surgical testing, ekg, blood work ups, heart tests, neck brace fitting, and the signing of the papers, Will and DNR.
Then Friday, the mammogram and then Monday, surgery.

But right now, I need to get something to eat.
It was a long day and I'm wicked way hungry.

I need to get my butt in gear and get in the shower, get dressed, and then wait for my sis.
Today's the day I learn it all, I'll have a full report when I get back.
Just finishing up a few things, and then I've got to get in the shower.
Later days!

Tomorrow, er, today, I have my pre-surgery consult with Doctor M.
He's going to tell me exactly what he and his team will do during the surgery, how long I'll be asleep, breathing tube, ICU, how many days to expect, (I'm holding him to 4!) what kind of pain to expect, what they'll have me do upon waking, physical therapy, etc, all of the nitty gritty details.

I have my own questions too.
Can I bring and wear my own clothes on like day 2 or something, will I be able to put my contacts back in, (I don't have a pair of glasses to wear) is this going to cause me to start a surprise menstrual cycle like the last surgery did, and if so, can I bring my own gear this time, or are they just going to make me lay there on a "pee pad" like last time.

Will they be shaving off any of my hair from the back of my head?
I know they are going to have to shave a portion of my neck, I have really long hair, I know it comes down far on my neck, so when they shave that, will they have to go any higher?
And if so, please don't fuck it up and make it incredibly noticeable to people.
My hair has been falling out anyway, but I really don't want to lose a lot if they can help it any.

I don't know if I posted about my hair situation or not, but this whole neck thing has been the cause of a lot of my health problems over the last year, year and a half.
With the spinal cord being pinched off, it can't send the right messages from my brain to all of my organs.
The messages are being pinched off, not sent, or sent incorrectly to all of my organs.
All of my stomach and digestive issues, being sick for no real reason, (I don't really go anywhere to catch any germs or viruses) my skin smelling really, horribly bad after eating certain foods, stomach pain, cramps, constipation, or the complete opposite, having days where regardless how many showers I took, how much deodorant I put on, I would have body odor, and my hair falling out.

Everyone loses hair on a daily basis, but this isn't normal hair loss, this is clumps of hair coming out in the shower, coming out when I brush it, coming out when the wind blows.
I don't have any noticeable bald spots, yet, but it's definitely thinned out.
It's nowhere near as thick as it once was, and it's not due to getting old, this is directly related to my neck stuff.
It's been rather sucky.

Sebastian broke down last night.
He just exploded in this 15 year old ball of fear, worry, and anger over this whole thing, crying, screaming, hugging me so tightly I thought he'd break my ribs.
He said if doc screws up and I die, he's going to beat him up really bad right there in the hallway at the hospital.
Mark said Sebastian won't get the chance, because he'll kill him.
To say the teens are starting to panic and be really afraid now, is an understatement.
They keep saying little things, '1 week from today' or 'I hope this week goes by really slow, it may be the last week I ever see you', or 'on Saturday or Sunday night, I'm sleeping with you, I want to be near you as much as possible.'
They even came out tonight and watched the season premiere of Gossip Girl, a show they hate, just to "hang out" with me.

I keep trying to reassure them that it's all going to be ok, that I WILL be coming home, that I'm going to be fine, and Sebastian wanted me to promise him that, but I can't.
I can't make that kind of promise because I really don't know.
I just kept telling him that I will be coming home, that it will be ok, without saying the word promise.

I have so much to do this week, work, the house, helping them with school, still trying to keep this house running as normally as possible, but honestly, I can't focus on any of it for long.
I want to though, I have things that I need to get done, but my mind starts wandering, racing, then my heart starts racing and pounding, and then I get a massive migraine and have to go lay down.
I went to bed shortly after the boys did tonight, they went at 11:30, I went at 11:45, and I laid there checking to make sure their alarm would go off, that mine would go off again at 8am so I can get up and try and do some work before I have to leave at noon-ish, but I started panicking about it all, so I got up and set Snoozester to call me at 8am just in case my cell alarm doesn't go off.
And now here I am, sitting here blogging, awake again, just thinking about it all.

I know things will be ok, but now with such short time left to go, I just want to go do it, get it over with, enough of the testing and appointments, and talks, let's just do it!
I just want it done so I can come back home like I said, that's all I want.

We are being barraged here (the whole country probably is) with constant reminders about the change to all digital broadcasting in February 2009, and seeing as today was a holiday, ABC ran a half hour infomercial about the switch and the converter boxes.
They said that if you bought a newer model tv, it should already be ready for the HDTV and LCD broadcast signals, and to just get an LCD mount for it on your wall, and you should be good to go.
That it should be ready and all good to go to pick up all the new digital signals.

Well I don't have money for the new tvs, and I already have the converter box and an amplified antenna, but it's not picking up the signals due to our house being made of concrete.
I need to either get a roof mount antenna, or one that can be mounted on the wooden shutters, but I think I might try a different idea.

I am going to buy a Philips Amplified UHF/VHF/HDTV Antenna, and mount it on the inside of my front windows.
It's flat, and it will only need to pick up the signal through the glass, not the concrete.
That may work.
If not, I'll mount it on the outside, attach it to the shutters, and run the cable through the front windows and screen, and hook it to the converter box.
I'm hoping that will work because all of the other indoor/outdoor antennas I've seen, are freaking huge, and I don't want a huge antenna on the front of my house.
I don't want anyone to see it and possibly see it, plus with it's flat profile, it will be less likely to get knocked off during a storm or hurricane.
It's not priced too badly, but I need to wait on it for now.
September is not the month to be buying non-necessities for the house, I still have until February 2009, so once the surgery is over and I'm doing well in my recovery, I'll pick one up and do the installation.
I don't want anyone to have to come do it for me, I like doing this kind of stuff myself.